I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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