Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
