nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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