so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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