the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
