the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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