I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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