College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
a search helicopter?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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