I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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