Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
