My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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