i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
