My hand turned me down
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
