The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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