I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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