I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
