I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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