I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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