I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
