I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You were trust falling into bushes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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