Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
