I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
