So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
