I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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