Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
