the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
