I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
