I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
don't judge my taste in strippers
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
