Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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