it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
