Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
