As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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