so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
