you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
