The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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