thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
