If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
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I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
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Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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