In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there's paper in my vomit.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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