Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
