Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
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Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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