Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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