That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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