I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
