At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
