i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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