That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
