you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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