We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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