hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
