and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
