boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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