tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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