Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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