if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
