Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
