I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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