this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
