We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank