He had one of those small greek statue penises
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Drunk is not a location!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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