Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
