It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
