So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
