matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
